Nightmares
Mar. 21st, 2017 10:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Alcuin had been at the hotel for over a month now, and had not been sleeping much better than he had when he arrived. He would frequently wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, or feeling a scream dying on his lips. Sometimes he remembered the dreams. Sometimes they were memories - of the attack, of blood and pain, of the light dying in Anafiel's eyes. Of Bouvarre, his greedy hands and eyes, the knife sliding into Alcuin's skin. Or worse, dreams that were more dreams, and even worse than the reality had been.
Often he could never hope to go back to sleep after, and so he'd turn on the lights and write in his journal or read whatever (likely terrible) book he'd found in the hotel gift shop. Though at least even bad books were a distraction.
But sleepless nights meant that he sometimes spent the daytime exhausted. This was not the first time he'd fallen asleep by accident, this time underneath a tree not far from the stables, where he'd been sitting and reading. The book had fallen to the ground beside him, and once he'd fallen asleep he had curled up in the soft grass by the tree.
Even now, in the sunshine and the safety of the inn, a nightmare came to him, a particularly bad one. In his sleep, he stirred, fingers digging slightly in the dirt, and cried out in distress, still mostly asleep.
Often he could never hope to go back to sleep after, and so he'd turn on the lights and write in his journal or read whatever (likely terrible) book he'd found in the hotel gift shop. Though at least even bad books were a distraction.
But sleepless nights meant that he sometimes spent the daytime exhausted. This was not the first time he'd fallen asleep by accident, this time underneath a tree not far from the stables, where he'd been sitting and reading. The book had fallen to the ground beside him, and once he'd fallen asleep he had curled up in the soft grass by the tree.
Even now, in the sunshine and the safety of the inn, a nightmare came to him, a particularly bad one. In his sleep, he stirred, fingers digging slightly in the dirt, and cried out in distress, still mostly asleep.
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Date: 2017-03-21 06:25 pm (UTC)And maybe he had noticed that Alcuin looked tired, and kept some odd hours when most would be asleep. But it wasn't so unusual, in this place and under these circumstances. He'd had his own fits of restlessness, for sure.
When he spotted the familiar figure curled under the tree in sleep, book aside him, Vax had mostly been thinking not of rousing him, but of making him some small amusement for Alcuin to discover later. Balancing the book on a tree limb above, burying him up to the chin with leaves, weaving him a flower crown, that sort of thing. But then came the cry that hurried his silent step, and the closer he got, the more trouble he saw across Alcuin's fair features, the lines of discomfort drawn taut through his limbs.
He knelt to look over the boy, and seeing no clear sign of fresh injury, decided to rest a hand on his shoulder. "Alcuin," Vax tried.
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Date: 2017-03-21 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 07:22 pm (UTC)"Alcuin, wake up. You're dreaming still." Vax kept himself back a bit and hoped to soothe with his tone instead.
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Date: 2017-03-21 09:46 pm (UTC)"Vax," he said quietly, and tried to calm himself. On top of the anxiety lingering from the dream he felt embarrassed now, too.
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Date: 2017-03-21 09:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 10:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 10:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 10:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 10:31 pm (UTC)"It's getting to be," Vax told him honestly.
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Date: 2017-03-21 10:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 10:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 11:11 pm (UTC)He'd not heard of it, but that amounted to bupkis in this realm.
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Date: 2017-03-21 11:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 11:25 pm (UTC)"They're terrible there, too," Vax told Alcuin after a moment, returning the book to him.
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Date: 2017-03-21 11:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-21 11:59 pm (UTC)"No wonder you're not sleeping well," he settled on for a touch of levity, though they both knew very well that had nothing to do with it.
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Date: 2017-03-22 12:30 am (UTC)"I don't suppose you have any suggestions for helping me," he said.
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Date: 2017-03-22 12:43 am (UTC)"I know that before you said you didn't want to talk about it, how you left things when you got here," he started. "And that's fine, if you don't want to talk to me, or even if you're not ready for talk quite yet. I've never claimed to be very well-adjusted myself. But I will say that things that haunt you in your dreams don't just go away on their own. I think all of what happened to you needs to come out, one way or another, or it's going to keep tearing at you."
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Date: 2017-03-22 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-22 01:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-22 03:50 am (UTC)"But... yes," he conceded. "I suppose I have." He glanced down at the ground briefly and said, "As I tell you this, remember the context and culture I come from. Because the story begins when my virgin night was auctioned off the day I turned sixteen."
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Date: 2017-03-22 05:50 pm (UTC)"Are you... Ashamed? Or embarrassed?" They were actual questions, rather than a sideways dig. "I wouldn't have you feel those things on my account. Whatever I'm inclined to think, who am I to judge you? I'm just a stranger in feathers."
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Date: 2017-03-23 04:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 02:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 04:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 05:49 pm (UTC)"And then..." He looked a bit pained. "He had my carriage attacked on my way home. That was the source of my other scar. Stabbed. And I was not fortunate enough to have someone like you to help me. I nearly died. And..." It was clear now that this was the part that pained him most. "And the man sent to guard me was killed. Because of me."
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Date: 2017-03-23 06:55 pm (UTC)With that in mind, Vax stopped in their lazy meandering, turning to look at Alcuin. "That's awful," he regarded the boy earnestly. "But just as you knew there were risks to what you did, I think the man who guarded you must have understood the risks he took as well."
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Date: 2017-03-23 07:19 pm (UTC)"After that," he continued, deciding to just take the story to the end, "Bouvarre hanged himself in his jail cell. Or was murdered. Hard to say. I made my marque - the design on my back, that is what it signifies - and then I left Naamah's service. I had not entered it for the right reasons to begin with. But I did it all for him - for love." He ran his fingers through his hair, slightly agitated. "I cannot say who was behind the attack on us from when I arrived here. It was meant for Anafiel, not me, or perhaps me as well because I knew too much. It was political intrigue. Secrets and power." He could only hope that Phedre had not returned home too soon. He clung to that, that she might still be well.
He shook his head. "And my nightmares... Memories and worse, all twisted together. I had them for a time, after Bouvarre... and then they stopped, when I was sharing a bed with Anafiel. Now, they are worse. I do not know how to get past it. It makes me feel weak."
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Date: 2017-03-23 08:33 pm (UTC)"I think it's different, for different people," Vax admitted after a long moment, left to fend for advice on his own. "I find the quiet of this place difficult. There's so little that needs to be done, and it's easy to focus on what's been lost. But I think that finding something to do in a day, every day - even small things - may help it. And being able to talk with someone, or have company at least."
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Date: 2017-03-24 12:33 am (UTC)He offered a little smile and added, "Though feels very one-sided, and I do not only mean that I feel I owe you a debt. But you know so much about me now, and I know so very little about you. Which is not a complaint, but an offer."
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Date: 2017-03-24 01:43 pm (UTC)"And I know what it is to miss someone so much that you can hardly seem to think or sleep without them."
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Date: 2017-03-24 09:18 pm (UTC)He decided not to ask about her, not yet. Instead he said, "Will you tell me about your god?"
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Date: 2017-03-24 10:12 pm (UTC)"I don't...speak of Her often," he said by way of explanation. "I'm still trying to make sense of it myself." It wasn't a refusal, so much as an acknowledgement of his difficulties. Vax didn't have a pretty summary, a history lesson, and a motto as neatly worded as Alcuin did for his own deities. He was well aware of how awkward a Champion he made.
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Date: 2017-03-25 02:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-25 05:24 pm (UTC)"They call her the Raven Queen," he went on after a beat. "She is the goddess of death and fate."
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Date: 2017-03-26 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-26 03:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-03-26 06:20 pm (UTC)"Is... there some way I might thank her?" he asked. "An offering? A prayer?" He already felt the loss here, of no temples to Elua, to Naamah.
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Date: 2017-03-28 01:19 am (UTC)He thought on it, then gave Alcuin a serious look. "If you mean that... One of Her tenets is not to pity those that die. Death is the natural end of life. It's one thing to mourn, to make peace with the death of a loved one, and another to let it consume you." Vax didn't think he would need to say how it applied to Alcuin's own story for him to take his meaning.
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Date: 2017-04-01 03:43 pm (UTC)He looked at Vax for a moment and then said gently, "In some ways, it may be easier for me over time. That I left behind death and not life."
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Date: 2017-04-04 12:00 am (UTC)"I think you've plenty of life to be lived yet. And death does seem rather final." Usually. One would think. "If there's anything else that can be done... For as strange a place as this may be, you're not alone in it. Truly."
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Date: 2017-04-11 01:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-11 01:27 pm (UTC)"You're right," he agreed, a sincere murmur. "It's a lot."
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Date: 2017-04-11 04:00 pm (UTC)And he would still take him to bed in a second. He wanted to. But he also had a great deal of self control, and he treasured their friendship too much to risk messing it up. After that first misstep it was as if he'd been given a second chance.
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Date: 2017-04-11 04:19 pm (UTC)"Maybe you'll sleep better now," was the comfort he offered instead, limbs sliding to let Alcuin go again after a long moment. "If not tonight or tomorrow, soon at least."
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Date: 2017-04-11 04:32 pm (UTC)"I hope so," he said instead with a small smile. "Thank you for listening, Vax. Perhaps it helps a little, just having someone here know my story."