Nightmares

Mar. 21st, 2017 10:52 am
st_unning: (bed)
[personal profile] st_unning
Alcuin had been at the hotel for over a month now, and had not been sleeping much better than he had when he arrived. He would frequently wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, or feeling a scream dying on his lips. Sometimes he remembered the dreams. Sometimes they were memories - of the attack, of blood and pain, of the light dying in Anafiel's eyes. Of Bouvarre, his greedy hands and eyes, the knife sliding into Alcuin's skin. Or worse, dreams that were more dreams, and even worse than the reality had been.

Often he could never hope to go back to sleep after, and so he'd turn on the lights and write in his journal or read whatever (likely terrible) book he'd found in the hotel gift shop. Though at least even bad books were a distraction.

But sleepless nights meant that he sometimes spent the daytime exhausted. This was not the first time he'd fallen asleep by accident, this time underneath a tree not far from the stables, where he'd been sitting and reading. The book had fallen to the ground beside him, and once he'd fallen asleep he had curled up in the soft grass by the tree.

Even now, in the sunshine and the safety of the inn, a nightmare came to him, a particularly bad one. In his sleep, he stirred, fingers digging slightly in the dirt, and cried out in distress, still mostly asleep.

Date: 2017-03-21 06:25 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
If Vax'ildan had taken special interest in the comings and goings of those he'd kindled familiarity with at the inn thus far, it was, in all honestly, boredom that was most to blame. There was so little to do around the grounds, after all, and surreptitiously tracing their routines (or lack thereof) was rather deeply ingrained in him. So he had a general sense that Percy was making headway in tearing apart every machine that hadn't been nailed down to figure out its workings, that Steph still drove the welcome wagon, and that if MacCready kept cleaning his guns at that rate, he might buff the markings right off of them.

And maybe he had noticed that Alcuin looked tired, and kept some odd hours when most would be asleep. But it wasn't so unusual, in this place and under these circumstances. He'd had his own fits of restlessness, for sure.

When he spotted the familiar figure curled under the tree in sleep, book aside him, Vax had mostly been thinking not of rousing him, but of making him some small amusement for Alcuin to discover later. Balancing the book on a tree limb above, burying him up to the chin with leaves, weaving him a flower crown, that sort of thing. But then came the cry that hurried his silent step, and the closer he got, the more trouble he saw across Alcuin's fair features, the lines of discomfort drawn taut through his limbs.

He knelt to look over the boy, and seeing no clear sign of fresh injury, decided to rest a hand on his shoulder. "Alcuin," Vax tried.

Date: 2017-03-21 07:22 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (longhair_sunglare)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax'ildan took the hand away from him quickly - certainly not afraid of being flailed at, but thinking to make himself less of an instinctual threat. Whatever dream Alcuin had been caught up in the grips of, it seemed loathe to turn him loose. Anything that made him flinch so hard from out of his rest didn't need his clumsy helping it along.

"Alcuin, wake up. You're dreaming still." Vax kept himself back a bit and hoped to soothe with his tone instead.

Date: 2017-03-21 09:54 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (red_jacket)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
"Yeah," Vax said simply, matching his voice to an equal quiet. "Take a moment. You seemed to be having a real nightmare."

Date: 2017-03-21 10:17 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (vax_pensive)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
"Forget about me," Vax'ildan told him, firmly enough to let him know that he meant it. "...You did cry out, a little. But you've not been sleeping well since you got here, have you?"

Date: 2017-03-21 10:31 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (longhair_sunglare)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax did pride himself on being more perceptive than the average mercenary stock, but he didn't need to be. Alcuin would always be a pretty sort, but the dark shadows around his eyes and the dimmed spark of his attention made him less so. Like a diamond kicked through the dirt.

"It's getting to be," Vax told him honestly.

Date: 2017-03-21 10:48 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (vax_pensive)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
A furrow of concern began to fit Vax's brows, and the first of a frown. "Since you're already awake... Would you like some company?"

Date: 2017-03-21 11:11 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Glancing over at the book on the grass he'd noticed before, lest they forget it now, Vax bent to pick it up in one hand and offer the other to Alcuin to help him onto his feet. Vax didn't have a very large build, but he was ropy as fuck under all that armor, making a fine anchor for the task. "Twilight," he read from the book's cover.

He'd not heard of it, but that amounted to bupkis in this realm.

Date: 2017-03-21 11:25 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (red_jacket)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Alcuin might be observant enough to note an involuntary twinge of something that tightened up Vax's spine to tug at his shoulder and neck at that, though it was subtle enough.

"They're terrible there, too," Vax told Alcuin after a moment, returning the book to him.

Date: 2017-03-21 11:59 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (red_jacket)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Same, Vax thought very loudly but did not say. His wife was no prize either.

"No wonder you're not sleeping well," he settled on for a touch of levity, though they both knew very well that had nothing to do with it.

Date: 2017-03-22 12:43 am (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax glanced back in the direction of their building, nodding them that way, though he didn't start off on the most direct path. They could walk and talk as well as stand around. And a bit of leg-stretching rarely hurt matters.

"I know that before you said you didn't want to talk about it, how you left things when you got here," he started. "And that's fine, if you don't want to talk to me, or even if you're not ready for talk quite yet. I've never claimed to be very well-adjusted myself. But I will say that things that haunt you in your dreams don't just go away on their own. I think all of what happened to you needs to come out, one way or another, or it's going to keep tearing at you."

Date: 2017-03-22 01:56 am (UTC)
st_abby: (longhair_dontcare)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
"One advantage to being an old man like me, Alcuin, is that you've already had a chance to do and see an awful lot." It both was and wasn't a tease. He had enough reason to think they'd both lived a few lives between them already. "I'm not scared of what you might say if you're not."

Date: 2017-03-22 05:50 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (vax_pensive)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax's eyebrows rose as he looked over at Alcuin, but he wasn't precisely scandalized. He'd got over the most of that after Alcuin had started explaining what his own culture was like.

"Are you... Ashamed? Or embarrassed?" They were actual questions, rather than a sideways dig. "I wouldn't have you feel those things on my account. Whatever I'm inclined to think, who am I to judge you? I'm just a stranger in feathers."

Date: 2017-03-23 01:49 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (vax_pensive)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
It was a far cry from the dingy rooms where such things happened for most of the boys Vax had run with at that age. And they were more likely to be paying than paid. If the idea of selling off Alcuin's virginity to the highest bidder like a stud animal still made him strikingly uncomfortable, at least Alcuin had some say in it. "I take it that didn't end well?"

Date: 2017-03-23 04:36 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax'ildan listened, absorbing and working out bits in relation to the whole if not understanding completely. The servants could buy their way free from their masters with these patron gifts, was the important thing, and Alcuin... "He paid it, then?"

Date: 2017-03-23 06:55 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (red_jacket)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Every occupation had its dangers, as Vax knew too well. Spies and sex workers both, more than most. If Alucin amounted to putting them together, it was a tragic thing that had happened, but not an entirely surprising one. It made more sense now, how he'd found Alcuin bleeding out, even if that had come after this.

With that in mind, Vax stopped in their lazy meandering, turning to look at Alcuin. "That's awful," he regarded the boy earnestly. "But just as you knew there were risks to what you did, I think the man who guarded you must have understood the risks he took as well."

Date: 2017-03-23 08:33 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Would that fate had seen fit to send Pike rather than him, Vax'ildan considered not for the first time, someone who could do so much more good in this strange land. She knew what it was to bring people together, to put them to work towards a common goal, leading by example. She always knew the kind words and small gesture that might reach someone, if anything would.

"I think it's different, for different people," Vax admitted after a long moment, left to fend for advice on his own. "I find the quiet of this place difficult. There's so little that needs to be done, and it's easy to focus on what's been lost. But I think that finding something to do in a day, every day - even small things - may help it. And being able to talk with someone, or have company at least."

Date: 2017-03-24 01:43 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax'ildan reflected a small smile back at him, though it looked heavy, like Vax's dark eyes, with other thoughts. "We have some things in common, the better I get to know you," he mused softly. "I've begun to learn what it is to live and serve at the will of a god." He also thought of Alcuin's mark, both proof of how he'd been owned by another and a means of freedom. His wings were rather like that.

"And I know what it is to miss someone so much that you can hardly seem to think or sleep without them."

Date: 2017-03-24 10:12 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_queen)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Perhaps strangely, it felt like a much more personal question than if Alcuin had asked about any of the others - even Keyleth. Even Vex'ahlia. Vax was silent for a long moment, and he debated it in earnest.

"I don't...speak of Her often," he said by way of explanation. "I'm still trying to make sense of it myself." It wasn't a refusal, so much as an acknowledgement of his difficulties. Vax didn't have a pretty summary, a history lesson, and a motto as neatly worded as Alcuin did for his own deities. He was well aware of how awkward a Champion he made.

Date: 2017-03-25 05:24 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_queen)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax had no doubt that Alcuin would let it be if he wanted. Though it was true that Alcuin had given so much of his own story, and Vax remembered what MacCready had said about parity.

"They call her the Raven Queen," he went on after a beat. "She is the goddess of death and fate."

Date: 2017-03-26 03:19 am (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_queen)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax'ildan gave a nod in return. "That's right. I don't... She doesn't tell me why some live where others would die. But I don't think it was entirely coincidental that I found you when I did."

Date: 2017-03-28 01:19 am (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_queen)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
"If we were in my lands, I'd send you to a temple, for the guidance of her priests," Vax explained apologetically. Though to be sure, he'd come away from his own visits with more questions than answers.

He thought on it, then gave Alcuin a serious look. "If you mean that... One of Her tenets is not to pity those that die. Death is the natural end of life. It's one thing to mourn, to make peace with the death of a loved one, and another to let it consume you." Vax didn't think he would need to say how it applied to Alcuin's own story for him to take his meaning.

Date: 2017-04-04 12:00 am (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax'ildan gave him a small twist of a smile, for the irony of it. He wouldn't try to tell Alcuin that it wouldn't still hurt, that his nightmares would surely cease, or that all would be made right by time. Fuck those stale platitudes. But if Alcuin was strong enough to continue to try, if he could still take joy in the world around him... That was as much as anyone could hope for to see them through.

"I think you've plenty of life to be lived yet. And death does seem rather final." Usually. One would think. "If there's anything else that can be done... For as strange a place as this may be, you're not alone in it. Truly."

Date: 2017-04-11 01:27 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_queen)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
It was something of a surprise, when Alcuin reached to embrace him. But Vax let the boy have his grasp, then shifted arms from under his cloak to fold around him in kind. He would never begrudge a friend in earnest need of some support, a kind word or a reassuring touch - and he'd already decided that Alcuin was that. So he held him fast, shifting the fall of feathers to drape over Alcuin's back, wrapping him up for some moments.

"You're right," he agreed, a sincere murmur. "It's a lot."

Date: 2017-04-11 04:19 pm (UTC)
st_abby: (raven_cloak)
From: [personal profile] st_abby
Vax knew from fuck-ups. He made them often enough. And if he was ever too paranoid or too pious or too heartbroken to acknowledge how easy it could be to find himself in bed with someone as lovely as Alcuin, that was his own issue entirely.

"Maybe you'll sleep better now," was the comfort he offered instead, limbs sliding to let Alcuin go again after a long moment. "If not tonight or tomorrow, soon at least."

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Alcuin no Delaunay

June 2017

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